Really, I just thought we were in love. That’s all. But goddamn this girl has killed me . I’m in attendance of my own funeral. At least I’m dressed for it. My own fault for giving so much of myself to her, not like she asked me to. I feel disoriented and disconnected. Unplugged, depleted. This post being an outlet because I know she’ll never read it. I don’t even give a fuck how vulnerable this makes me. Like a bench press, I need to get this off my chest. Gave her everything and we left with nothing. In between the sheets we laid beneath rights and wrongs and shared what I thought was a higher truth.  Hell, we even touched during the religious holiday. She told me that with me, “it was never a ‘sin’.” Perhaps it was the heat of the moment but I was lost in her warmth. More than lust, it felt intrinsic, innate, natural -but never easy.  From get-go, there were troubles and red flags I deluded myself into thinking were just early obstacles we’d tackle to get to “the good stuff.” Right. The week we left for toronto was interesting: monday we faught while saturday ended with moment at the train station that left me certain that she and i were solid. But when we got here, things changed almost immediately and this city somehow managed to devour our relationship. Someone or something took her from me, still, i blame no one. I don’t even want to speak ill of what we had because i know it was real -for me at least. Short-lived with effects long lasting, no doubt I’ll take from this the good and scars.  I’m maimed. From shed tears and convulsions to unanswered phone calls and text messages. Shit left me puzzled, to say the least.  Consistently inconsistent. Emotionally bi-polar. A roller coaster I wasn’t tall enough to ride. But regardless there is still “love” here, that and an appreciation for a great moment. Because that’s just what it was. I’m not without blame though. Never in love before, i panicked and perhaps smothered.  Overbearing at times and insecure. None of that could ever be her fault. It’s crazy to think that the same person that makes you whole, can you leave you shattered. I guess therein lies the liability. That said, she confessed she’d never been given what i gave. Trust, she never will again either. I just wanted to hold tight to what i thought i’d never grasp. In truth, I’m still not convinced I’ll find it again. This entire scenario has been a head/heart fuck. Now I’m conflicted feeling love and hate at the same time. Detached yet she still haunts my dreams. Certainty of progression yet feeling withdraws.  I’m a fiend and a junky. She was my heroin and she still runs through my veins.  fuck.

Really, I just thought we were in love. That’s all. But goddamn this girl has killed me . I’m in attendance of my own funeral. At least I’m dressed for it. My own fault for giving so much of myself to her, not like she asked me to. I feel disoriented and disconnected. Unplugged, depleted. This post being an outlet because I know she’ll never read it. I don’t even give a fuck how vulnerable this makes me. Like a bench press, I need to get this off my chest. Gave her everything and we left with nothing. In between the sheets we laid beneath rights and wrongs and shared what I thought was a higher truth.  Hell, we even touched during the religious holiday. She told me that with me, “it was never a ‘sin’.” Perhaps it was the heat of the moment but I was lost in her warmth. More than lust, it felt intrinsic, innate, natural -but never easy.  From get-go, there were troubles and red flags I deluded myself into thinking were just early obstacles we’d tackle to get to “the good stuff.” Right. The week we left for toronto was interesting: monday we faught while saturday ended with moment at the train station that left me certain that she and i were solid. But when we got here, things changed almost immediately and this city somehow managed to devour our relationship. Someone or something took her from me, still, i blame no one. I don’t even want to speak ill of what we had because i know it was real -for me at least. Short-lived with effects long lasting, no doubt I’ll take from this the good and scars.  I’m maimed. From shed tears and convulsions to unanswered phone calls and text messages. Shit left me puzzled, to say the least.  Consistently inconsistent. Emotionally bi-polar. A roller coaster I wasn’t tall enough to ride. But regardless there is still “love” here, that and an appreciation for a great moment. Because that’s just what it was. I’m not without blame though. Never in love before, i panicked and perhaps smothered.  Overbearing at times and insecure. None of that could ever be her fault. It’s crazy to think that the same person that makes you whole, can you leave you shattered. I guess therein lies the liability. That said, she confessed she’d never been given what i gave. Trust, she never will again either. I just wanted to hold tight to what i thought i’d never grasp. In truth, I’m still not convinced I’ll find it again. This entire scenario has been a head/heart fuck. Now I’m conflicted feeling love and hate at the same time. Detached yet she still haunts my dreams. Certainty of progression yet feeling withdraws.  I’m a fiend and a junky. She was my heroin and she still runs through my veins.  fuck.